Lack of Immunity to Grief

I am not immune to heart break and grief.  On September 14 2013, this became clear to me. Bad things do happen to good people. Good people do get hurt. 

I spent one month coping in ways that were most comforting—indulging in fat laden comfort foods, trying to sneak in extra sleep when I could, reflecting/writing, reading about other woman’s stories in blogs and books. 

After this month passed and I was dusting myself off, I came upon some events that caused me to stumble a bit. My pregnancy “partners” (those due very closely to my expected due date) were starting to share their wonderful news to the world. The 12 week mark when it’s generally “safe” to announce…20 week mark and half way point…having the opportunity to find out the gender if so desired. That was supposed to be me too. I’m not half way to seeing my baby. Instead, I have a little Angel clip with a March birthstone on the wall in Violet’s room next to a photo of me, very pregnant with Violet. Perhaps I placed it there so I will never forget what could have been. 

Time does heal. It does not heal completely, but with each passing day, it helps the sharp pain fade into a dull more tolerable ache. Although it does cross my mind at least once a day, it’s not debilitating. 

I was in a horrible car accident the day before Thanksgiving in 2007. I never have driven the same since. For months, I would think about it daily and replay the scene in my mind…from the intense impact of the cars smashing into me, to the sound of the window glass being intentionally broken by a good Samaritan so I could crawl out…it replayed until my mind did not have to replay it anymore. 

In a similar way, I keep repeating the doctor’s words in my mind, “You’ve lost this pregnancy…that’s what’s going on” (referencing my bleeding)…the ultrasound tech’s silence..the torturous wait to see the physician once again…it continues to replay until one day when it does not have to replay anymore. All this replaying of this very sad tape in my mind is just that—in my mind. I tend not to talk about this anymore, and most people don’t ask. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. I reminisce about the morning I saw the two pink lines, July 25th, 2013. 

I did get a dose of perspective recently, when I heard woman I once knew delivered a stillborn baby (full-term). It rocked my world once again. How can I feel so sad for a loss of what could have been when this baby WAS?  I tried not to minimize my own feelings but it made me again think of all the “what ifs” in life that I’ve touched on before. It’s quite amazing and miraculous how any baby makes it from conception through delivery, unscathed, healthy, intact…well, perfect. Everything has to be just so…the stars have to be aligned or something. All the intricate inner creations of the baby in the womb utterly blows my mind. Life is miraculous…and fragile.

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