Califargo: Sense of Self

One of my dear friends inspired these thoughts when she randomly asked me the other day, “Do you ever miss you Minneapolis or California self? I’ve lost my sense of self lately.”

I’ve grown close to this friend in the past couple of years as we work together in hospice care but also have a lot in common with being moms to three young kids. I find myself being able to be refreshingly honest with her, and I hope she finds the same with me.

Her comment made me reflect on how life was so different just ten years ago. Do I miss those days? Yes, there are certain parts of my young adult days that I miss. I miss the freedom of being able to pick up go….to be able to plan a trip in a few days and not have to worry about arranging child care or pet care. I miss being able to spend more money on new shoes or buy yet another cute outfit with that hard earned money. I  miss being able to have more than one drink with friends without dreading the recovery the entire next day (plus who really wants to be hung over while tending to and chasing two little kids and toting around an infant). I miss concerts in the bigger city venues. I miss the ocean (Half Moon Bay near San Francisco is magical). I miss fresh seafood. I miss late night cramming sessions with nursing friends sharing not only facts for the exam the next day but also a lot of laughter. I miss movies at the theater. I  miss being able to watch my niece and nephews as much as my sister requested.

You know what though? Although those pieces of my life are more so part of my past now, I know they hold a special place in my heart…those experiences that helped shape me into who I am now and allow me to appreciate them even more. Yes, I have many more responsibilities these days, but what I find relieving is that I’m not alone. My village of hard working mamas also share these sentiments and sometimes reminisce about these days as well. I can also trust this same village of women will be there for one another and help each other when we just need a break from our responsibilities to remember, even for a few hours, what our old selves used to look like….from getting all dolled up for a date night with the spouse (and being able to eat a warm dinner with both hands) ….or breaking away for a weekend get-away. And just maybe this is not “our older selves” that have disappeared completely, rather still there but with additional factors that enrich us even more.

I know that in ten years from now,  I will miss other parts of my younger self as well, such as the scent of a newborn baby….frequent snuggles with babes and toddlers….teaching my first born how to read….witnessing my youngest learn how to walk…and so much more.

Because really, it all contributes to who we are…So when when my good friend and I are missing our younger, more free and careless selves, we should take a moment to remind each other that we will one day miss this part of ourselves too….this sleep deprived bliss.



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